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Minimum Force…

The minimum force necessary to affect a safe apprehension.

That is the mantra of using force as a police officer.

My partner and I were going to a house in a rather notorious neighborhood to serve an arrest warrant. The warrant was for a relatively minor offense, assault and batter or something.

It was spring time and the nights were cool and comfy. Most people had their windows open enjoying the weather. We knocked on the door several times but to no avail.

James, my partner, walked around the house and saw through an open window, our suspect, sound asleep on the bed. My partner also observed a large water gun… “Super Soaker” laying in the backyard.

Now to be fair, we called out to the guy, through the window several times trying to wake him up so we could tell him to come to the door. There were several officers around the house so we weren’t too worried about him running away or anything. He didn’t budge.

Keeping our mantra in mind, my partner, picked up the Super Soaker and test fired it a couple of times, at me, at other officers at the poodle in the backyard. It worked. So he turns the weapon on the sleeping criminal. And proceeds to “super soak” him. It worked.

Dillinger woke up and started fussing. We announced ourselves and he politely came to the door and let us in. We allowed him to dry off, get dressed and took him to jail. No harm no foul.

I have a disease and drinking makes me feel better…

It was a cold and rainy night. No. Really. It was.

Myself and another officer were dispatched to a family disturbance call. It was about 2:30 in the morning. After being on the streets for more than a day or so, you start picturing in your mind what you are stepping into. It’s a survival skill that gets honed with each passing day.

On the way to the call I am picturing what is going on. It’s a decent, middle class neighborhood. Mostly young, 20-30 something couples with some toddlers running around. Its Friday. I am thinking that dad, probably stayed after work for a few beers with his buddies and ended up staying out till the bars close (2AM). He then makes his way home and momma is pissed! He’s either spent the mortgage money, missed an engagement with momma, forgot to pick little Joey up at the sitter’s or something similar.

So it will be our job to calm things down, tell him to go to bed, her to do the same, separate beds if needed, and please don’t make us have to come back or someone will end up in jail.

Both the other officer and I arrive at about the same time. One of the first orders of business is to put some physical distance between the combatants. But care needs to be taken that we don’t end up in the kitchen (knives and stuff). I have him, other officer has her and we’re separating by walking and talking. I over hear her say, “He says he has a disease and drinking makes him feel better.” I’m thinking yeah. I look at him and he just sort of gives me a sideways grin. “I did tell her something like that.”

So out on the front porch we go. We’re talking and yeah, he told her he had a disease and the only way he feels better is if he drinks or she has sex with him. He confides in me that he and his wife had not had sex in two entire days!!! And he needs it at least once a day. And yes, “I had some beers and threw some darts with my friends from work, but honestly, we were at one bar all night!!! You can call and ask!!!” Ok. I believe him, honestly I do. Not that it matters. I’m just there to keep the peace.

Then I over hear her say, “it’s not like he’ll die if we don’t have sex!!!”

That’s when the lightbulb came on.

I called the other officer aside and told him to “work with me” on this, I think I can fix this. OK.

I went up to the lady and with my most solemn face on, I told her that her husband had a disease that while was serious, was not fatal but obviously was causing some amount of strife in the relationship. I also told her I was relatively familiar with it, as I got it immediately after I was divorced from my 7th wife. (Ok, that was an exaggeration, I told her my 3rd wife.)

I further explained to her that the condition was called Cerulean Sphere Disorder. It can be painful and the only known relief for it is drinking heavily or wild monkey sex often.

She looked at me in amazement but I assured her it was fact and she could look it up if she wanted. It was a fairly new disorder and not well documented but was genuine. She should be considerate of her husband’s condition. She looked at me and nodded and I told them to have a great night and we left.

The other officer and I met up at a 7-11 and were getting a Big Gulp and he simply looked at me and said, “What the heck is Cerulean Sphere Disorder?”

That’s easy. Cerulean (Blue) Sphere (Ball) Disorder. Blue Balls.

God I love this job.

Insane Fish

This is a GREAT story by my friend Gina Gallo:

It has nothing to do with seafood. And like most cop legends in Chicago, everyone’s got a different version of how it started. Some say the Insane Fish was the brainchild of beat cops intent on screwing over Internal Affairs. Others think it’s a term coined by Marine Unit members who wanted a cool name for their golf league T-shirts. The rest of us are willing to acknowledge the 14th District tactical unit as the original founding Fish.

In a city that has over two hundred gangs (numbers that grow daily), the 14th District has more than its share. The Spanish Gangsters, Insane Unknown and Children of Satan are just a few of the gangs that provide equal-opportunity crime. While membership may vary according to location or ethnicity, most gangs favor names that pledge allegiance to Satan, hint at royalty and/or are a testimonial for mental illness. As often as new factions spring up, the hardest part is keeping score.

read more here…