It was a cold and rainy night. No. Really. It was.
Myself and another officer were dispatched to a family disturbance call. It was about 2:30 in the morning. After being on the streets for more than a day or so, you start picturing in your mind what you are stepping into. It’s a survival skill that gets honed with each passing day.
On the way to the call I am picturing what is going on. It’s a decent, middle class neighborhood. Mostly young, 20-30 something couples with some toddlers running around. Its Friday. I am thinking that dad, probably stayed after work for a few beers with his buddies and ended up staying out till the bars close (2AM). He then makes his way home and momma is pissed! He’s either spent the mortgage money, missed an engagement with momma, forgot to pick little Joey up at the sitter’s or something similar.
So it will be our job to calm things down, tell him to go to bed, her to do the same, separate beds if needed, and please don’t make us have to come back or someone will end up in jail.
Both the other officer and I arrive at about the same time. One of the first orders of business is to put some physical distance between the combatants. But care needs to be taken that we don’t end up in the kitchen (knives and stuff). I have him, other officer has her and we’re separating by walking and talking. I over hear her say, “He says he has a disease and drinking makes him feel better.” I’m thinking yeah. I look at him and he just sort of gives me a sideways grin. “I did tell her something like that.”
So out on the front porch we go. We’re talking and yeah, he told her he had a disease and the only way he feels better is if he drinks or she has sex with him. He confides in me that he and his wife had not had sex in two entire days!!! And he needs it at least once a day. And yes, “I had some beers and threw some darts with my friends from work, but honestly, we were at one bar all night!!! You can call and ask!!!” Ok. I believe him, honestly I do. Not that it matters. I’m just there to keep the peace.
Then I over hear her say, “it’s not like he’ll die if we don’t have sex!!!”
That’s when the lightbulb came on.
I called the other officer aside and told him to “work with me” on this, I think I can fix this. OK.
I went up to the lady and with my most solemn face on, I told her that her husband had a disease that while was serious, was not fatal but obviously was causing some amount of strife in the relationship. I also told her I was relatively familiar with it, as I got it immediately after I was divorced from my 7th wife. (Ok, that was an exaggeration, I told her my 3rd wife.)
I further explained to her that the condition was called Cerulean Sphere Disorder. It can be painful and the only known relief for it is drinking heavily or wild monkey sex often.
She looked at me in amazement but I assured her it was fact and she could look it up if she wanted. It was a fairly new disorder and not well documented but was genuine. She should be considerate of her husband’s condition. She looked at me and nodded and I told them to have a great night and we left.
The other officer and I met up at a 7-11 and were getting a Big Gulp and he simply looked at me and said, “What the heck is Cerulean Sphere Disorder?”
That’s easy. Cerulean (Blue) Sphere (Ball) Disorder. Blue Balls.
God I love this job.
